Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
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I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
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Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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