You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
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It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
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I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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