Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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