she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
