I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Michael Bay diarrhea
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
