Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
