Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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