I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
