I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
