I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
