When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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