Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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