I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
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Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
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Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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