oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
