they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize