Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
