Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
