Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
