When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
