I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
