A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
