What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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