i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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