Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
the liver wants what the liver wants
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
