A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize