we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Sorry my hands just texted you
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
