The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
