I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
