Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
