Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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