I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
