I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
