Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
