You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
