i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
