If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
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