i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
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I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
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I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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