He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Randomize
