I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
