Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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