No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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