I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
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