enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
