well I can't set my house on fire every night
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
