hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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