she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
