Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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