Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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