In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
