im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
