She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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