The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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