I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
