He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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