My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
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I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
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Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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