I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
