Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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